when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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