I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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