Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
