dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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