she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
