We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
