I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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