tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
