You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just pee around me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
