i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
