after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
