Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
