how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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