Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i out mim tonsoeep
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