a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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