If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
