I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
