His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
