Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
