Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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