pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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