I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
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i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
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I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.