Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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