I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
