Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
