are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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