Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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