god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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