if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
