He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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