Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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