You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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