Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
