i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
