Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
