I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
