You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
