mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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