I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
