I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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