Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
