Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
