Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
