i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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