i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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