Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
