Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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