Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
