I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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