just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
