if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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