so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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