So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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