before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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