It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
