I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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