If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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